Great Expectations: In 10 Minutes
by Multiploken
Summary: A lighthearted parodical simplification of the novel. Not meant to be taken seriously.
1. 1: A Lonely Marsh Graveyard in Kent

**Great Expectations: In 10 Minutes.**

_-A lighthearted parodical simplification of the novel._

_DISCLAIMER: Charles Dickens owns all. Not meant to be taken seriously. Seriously._

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**SCENE 1: A Lonely Marsh Graveyard in Kent**

_The wind is howling and we see a little boy kneeling in front of 7 prominently displayed gravestones. They all bear the name of PIRRIP._

**LITTLE PIP:** sniffle I am a poor little, unrealistically polite orphan with little to no self esteem. Despite this, I still manage to be the cute, precocious (annoying) kid that attracts readers. I despise Mr. Dickens and his financial obligations.

**DICKENS:** (_from atop a mountain of money_)… eh? Did you say something?

_enter the __**CONVICT**_

**CONVICT:** ARRRRR!

**LITTLE PIP:** Eeeep!

**CONVICT **: Gimme food and a file or my 'friend' will eat your liver and heart out.

**LITTLE PIP**: …What's a liver, sir?

**CONVICT** : …Never you mind, jus' do it. …ARRR!

**LITTLE PIP**: Eeeeep! Yessir!

**LITTLE PIP: (**_scampers home_)


	2. 2: Chez Pip: Christmas Dinner

**SCENE 2: CHEZ PIP: CHRISTMAS DINNER **

_Pip has stolen the food and a file and has just given the items to the convict. He looks guiltily around the table. __MRS. JOE, JOE__, the Hubbles__, Mr. WOPSLE__ and __UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK__ are gathered around the dinner table._

**MR. WOPSLE:** The annual "Let's –All-Gather-To-Mock-Pip" (LAGTMP for short) meeting is now convened. Roll call:

**MRS JOE**: Present

**UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK**: Wouldn't miss it for the world.

**JOE**: … more gravy Pip?

**MR. WOPSLE**: … and the victi-….#ahem# I mean… -darling- Pip?

**PIP**: … oh no, not again.

**UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK**: Splendid! Let's begin.

_...And so, the Pip abuse commences. _

**MR WOPSLE**: You orphans are an ungrateful bunch, you know that? Selfish little pigs, the lot of you…

**MR PUMBLECHOOK**: Speaking of pigs, if you'd been born a Squeaker…

**Mrs JOE**: He –was- if ever a child was. Noisy little bugger _you _were, Pip. Wished you into your grave dozens of times, but _nooo…_ you wouldn't go there. Was that too much to ask??!

**PIP**: You know, this is doing nothing for my self esteem…

**MRS JOE**: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?! You were such a burden when you were little, always mewling those disgusting cries for more food… when there was none more to give!

**PIP**: …

**JOE**: … she's right you know. Ugliest shriveled little babby you ever set your eyes on too, you were.

**PIP**: Not you too Joe!

**JOE**: Well, but _I_ wanted you. You was cute, in a way. More gravy?

_enter __**RANDOM SOLDIER**_

**RANDOM SOLDIER**: RUNAWAY CONVICTS LOOSE ON THE MARSH!

… Anyone want to watch us catch them?

**UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK**: … And you're here because…?

**RANDOM SOLDIER**: Oh, right. Blacksmith, we need you to fix these handcuffs. Quickly, so we can nab the convict.

**MR. WOPSLE**: Nobody else in the entire regiment of soldiers has another set of handcuffs to spare?

**RANDOM SOLDIER**: … um. No.

**DICKENS**: STOP DESTROYING MY DRAMATIC PLOTPOINTS!!

_(**JOE **__fixes the handcuffs. Exit the __**RANDOM SOLDIER, JOE, PIP**__, and __**MR WOPSLE** __to go convict hunting)_


	3. 3a: Still Chez Pip, A Couple Hours Later

A/N: 

I'm back!

Heh, heh. So I haven't updated in 6 months. You all don't mind, do you? (_ducks rotten tomatoes_)

I will get better at the whole updating thing, I promise. Expect another chapter (or two, or three) within the week :)

In all seriousness though, I never thought anyone would find the fic amusing enough to comment... I'm really surprised I've gotten a response at all. Thanks for the reviews guys! You're all awesome. And don't hesitate to tell me the moment the play becomes unfunny - I'll do something about it, I swear...

Aaaand enough of my blathering, onto the next scene!

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**SCENE 3****A : STILL CHEZ PIP, A COUPLE HOURS LATER**

[_Enter **JOE, PIP** and **MR. WOPSLE **_

**MR WOPSLE:** …Wow. Apparently the convict stole food and a file from you, Mrs Joe. Evil, evil man. He deserves to be in prison.

**PIP:** … Heh, heh.

**UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK**: Speaking of you, young man, wake up early tomorrow. We're off to see Ms Havisham. She wants you to play at her house.

**PIP: **Who's Ms Havisham? Sir?

**MRS JOE**: Be quiet and go to sleep, you ungrateful wretch.

_**MRS JOE**__ bundles __**PIP**__ roughly off to bed, with the aid of her trusty disciplinary rod, the Tickler. _


	4. 3b: Satis House

**SCENE 3****B : SATIS HOUSE**

_[At the gates of SATIS HOUSE. **PIP **and **UNCLE PUMBLECHOOK** are outside, with the astonishingly beautiful **ESTELLA** opening the gates _

**ESTELLA**: …Ah… this is Pip, is it? Come in –boy-.

_[Pip follows ESTELLA into the house. ESTELLA takes PIP into MS HAVISHAM'S room _

**MS HAVISHAM**: Ah, Pip.

**PIP**: Ma'am.

**MS HAVISHAM**: Have you come to play? Come, Estella. Get the cards out.

**ESTELLA**: Play?! With this common laboring boy[_This is directed with great malice towards Pip_

**PIP**[_aside_ Why is everybody so bent on attacking my already non-existent self esteem?

**DICKENS** : Hush you. It's called character development. This is what will drive you to do most of the things you will do in my brilliantly written masterpiece of literature.

**MS HAVISHAM: **[_aside, to ESTELLA_ Well, go on. You can break his heart.

**PIP**: I'm sorry Ma'am?

**MS HAVISHAM**: Oh, nothing Pip.

_[The children start playing. While they are doing so, __**ESTELLA **__periodically laughs contemptuously or interjects comments such as: _

_**ESTELLA**__: What a common labouring boy! _

_**ESTELLA**__: He calls knaves jacks, the idiot! _

_**ESTELLA**__: What thick hands/thick boots he has!_

_**ESTELLA**__: What a bore! _

[_The game finishes._

**MS HAVISHAM: **You may go now Pip. We'll see you here the same time next week.

**ESTELLA**[_-turns up her nose at PIP and is about to walk haughtily away when PIP begins talking_

**PIP**[_near tears_Estella, you may be stuck up, cold, and completely not worth it, but because I have no self esteem, I accept every single one of your shallow criticisms as true. If I drastically improve my station in life (and abandon my entire family) will you … maybe… sort of start to like me slightly better?

**ESTELLA**[_Bursts out laughing and leaves the room._

**PIP**[_PIP hangs his head in shame and trudges out of the house_

**MS HAVISHAM**: Good girl, Estella. Break all their little hearts! Crush them with your coldheartedness! Avenge your poor surrogate mother's failed marriage! Fulfill her need to wreak revenge upon all of mankind! bursts into maniacal laughter [_She leaves the room still laughing_

[_The room is now empty except for **DICKENS **who is in his usual spot to the side of the stage_

**DICKENS**: …Good God, my characters are beginning to scare even me.


	5. 4: Chez Pip: Many Years Later

A/N

Sorry about some minor formatting issues here (namely missing end brackets and asterisks.)

I just can't get FFN to keep them there. Does anybody know how?

* * *

**SCENE 4: CHEZ PIP MANY YEARS LATER**

**NARRATOR: **_**PIP**__ has now just started as __**JOE**__'s apprentice in the forge. He is unhappy and still pines over __**ESTELLA**__ periodically, and still dreams of upping his place on the social ladder. Luckily for him… _

_[Enter **MR JAGGERS**_

_**PIP**__ is working unenthusiastically at the forge when the __**MR JAGGERS**__ enters_

**MR. JAGGERS**: Is there a boy, commonly known as Pip, apprentice to a Mr. Joseph Gargery present?

**PIP**: That's me sir.

**MR. JAGGERS**: Firstly, understand then, that I am a paid agent, a middleman, and nothing more. Would you, Joe Gargery, be willing to give Pip up to better advance his station in life?

**JOE: **Well, of course.

**MR. JAGGERS:** Mind! That is an extreme statement. Are you sure? Consider your words carefully. You must always exercise constant vigilance with these sorts of declarations. [_whispers confidentially_ Or else you might get sued, in which case, hire me as your defense attorney. -Ahem-.

**JOE**[_Slightly nonplussed_ Er… I'm quite sure, Sir.

**MR. JAGGERS**: Hum. Well, in that case, Pip, you are headed to London to become a gentleman.

**PIP** [_Aside_ This must be Ms Havisham's doing. She does want me betrothed to Estella after all [_end aside_ Ahem, Mr. Jaggers? Might I enquire as to who my benefactor is?

**MR. JAGGERS**: No.

**PIP: **…

**MR. JAGGERS: **Well, things to do, people to see. I'll be off now. I'll see you in a few days at my London office… here is the address… to get things sorted out further.

[_Exit MR JAGGERS_

**PIP: **[_ecstatic_ LONDON AND GENTLEMANHOOD, HERE I COME!

**JOE**: Oh that's wonderful Pip! But won't you miss Biddy and I?

**PIP:** Nope. You people are actually starting to embarrass me now, what with your coarseness and UNGENTLEMANLINESS and all. I have something higher to aspire to now. The solution for my self worth problems will be to become a gentleman and to prove to Estella that I am worth her love and attention. So, no, in short, I will most definitely -not- be missing you, Joe and Biddy.

**BIDDY**: Geez. That's harsh.

**PIP**: Meh.

[_exit Pip_

**NARRATOR: **_And so begins the new and 'improved' Pip. _

_END OF STAGE ONE OF PIP'S EXPECTATIONS_


End file.
